Oliver Larholt shares the tools he uses to support his daughter growing up in a neurodiverse family.
Our daughter Athena was four when her brother was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD. Many children feel the reduced parental attention acutely, while others become hyper protective of their sibling. We found that it was just as crucial to recognise and validate Athena’s experience as it was to name and support Konstantin’s.
But it isn’t always easy to balance the needs of two children, even in the most straightforward of circumstances.
Athena is now almost grown, just finishing at Woldingham School and about to set off on independent life. But in many ways she had to grow up rather quickly, and this exciting precipice she’s on comes with new anxieties.
Here are the most important things parents of children with ASD should remember for their neurotypical children.
1. Talk
Children need to feel like they have value and importance in their families. That includes being kept informed on changes that will impact them.
The parental instinct to protect our children may convince us to avoids difficult subjects, but this can be a disservice in the long term.
Talking to children about autism helps them understand their autistic siblings’ differences, strengths and needs. This provides them a toolkit to manage conflict or enjoy play with their siblings, just like all children need.
Children may lack the language to define the tension or stress in their family, but they are still aware of it. Children feel excluded when they see their parents retreat for an important conversation, especially if they aren’t then updated on decisions or changes that will impact them.
However, it’s important to distinguish that children don’t necessarily need details. It’s just as damaging to “parentify” a sibling, but the point is to show them that you value and respect them.
2. Listen
Part of knowing what to tell siblings relies on hearing what they want to know.
Children tend to ask the questions they can handle, so make sure to answer the question you are asked. Try not to make it complicated or over-explain your response.
Pay attention also to what isn’t said. Children will often try to protect their parents as much as we try to protect them, and we may miss important pieces of their experience if we aren’t paying attention.
Listen to all the things in between the words they say directly to you.
- How do they talk to you?
- What’s their body language like?
- What happens after you talk? Do they respond? Have questions? Go quiet?
- How do they talk to peers and teachers?
- Do you ever hear them talk about life at home?
Use what you notice to inform how you support them.
3. Give them a village
Both children with ASD and their siblings need a supporting community that understand and nurtures them. Their lives are equally distinctive and complicated, so they also need figures in their life to support and advocate for them.
There are a few ways to build them community:
- Make sure their teachers understand their home situation
- Enrol them in normal extracurricular activities
- Encourage their hobbies and talents
- Find a group that supports other siblings like them
- Reach out to a charity that supports families like yours
But remember you yourself are the most important pillar in their community. What every child wants is time with their parent, so make sure to put time aside every day to chat, and make space every week to spend extended time just the two of you.
Resources: How Autism Affects Families: Challenges and Positives | Psych Central
